An Email

I finally got the courage to email Susan's husband about the phone call I got from her the day she died.

See for yourself, and tell me what you think. I'm at a loss of words right now.

Click to enlarge and read each, sorry I know it's weird to read it like this but I did this the only way I knew how. Also, both our son's names start with B, in case that's confusing. I had to block our our real names for obvious reasons, I need to remain anon.

More Death

I haven't posted in a few days. It's been very crazy around here.

Next door to us is a large 1950's ranch home. A sweet elderly lady has lived there for decades (it might have been her & her husband's first home for all I know.) Her husband died about 5 years ago, shortly after we moved into our large house next year.

She was nice but kept to herself. I should have made more of an effort to befriend her, I think. We both could have used the company, and her kids live out of state and rarely visited.

She committed suicide last week. She was found dead in her garage, apparently she let the car run with the doors closed. Not sure who finally found her, but I hear it had been a couple days.

Poor lady. I really hope I don't end up like that someday. Alone. So alone I'd take my own life. It's very sad.

I told Brooks she died in her sleep. I didn't want him feeling bad and asking questions about suicide. When I told Gibson later he didn't act as upset as I would have liked. Men!

He said That's too bad and then went on with his day. I can't stop thinking about her thought.

I really feel bad that I didn't make more of an effort. And I'm so sick and tired of death.

Charlotte?

I'm bad.

I researched online and found a program you can download that hides on your computer but saves all the "keystrokes" people make on your computer.

I used it.

I got my husband's password to his email.

And I broke into it...
am I a bad person???

There was nothing in his email box that was of interest. Except this: his password was "charlotte".

We don't know of any Charlotte's, nor has he ever spoken of one. I'm pretty sure I know of all his high school girlfriends.

Should I be worried???

Guilt

Right now I'm feeling really guilty.

Gibson & Brooks & I had the most wonderful weekend together.

Saturday night he treated us to Alice in Wonderland at a new theater where you sit and can order food and waiters serve you. I had wine and the movie was really interesting along with it...

About the guilt, I feel badly about being so suspicious of him. After not seeing him during his long trip and how sweet he was to us when he got home, I hardly think this is the sort of man who could ever cheat on his wife.

:-) I'm happy. Again.

My Gibs

Gibson is home finally.

No more trips for another 5 weeks!

I plan to enjoy him and the time we have together. I can't wait to see Brooks face in the morning when he comes to breakfast. Gibs has been MIA for 2 weeks.

Paranoia

Gibson gets home tonight from his trip. Brooks keeps asking when exactly he'll be home.

Will he be home when I wake up?

Will be home when I get home from school?

Home for dinner?

The answer, to all of these, is no. Gibson usually takes late evening flights. He doesn't get home until midnight or later except for a few times which are the only times Brooks seems to remember.

Gibson has a colleague who is young and beautiful and she sometimes travels to conferences with him. But she is also married, and apparently very happy in that relationship. She has two perfect children.

Brooks is failing two of his subjects in school right now. I'm taking him to tutoring starting Monday.

Gibson might do well to hide his disappointment a little better, if you as me.

Anyway, on paranoia.

I've searched the bank accounts. His cell phone records. Showed up at his work and hid in the parking lot to see him leave work.

There is no reason for me to think he's having an affair if all these things are clean - right??

My only suspicion is this. The day Susan died she called me and left me a message. I saved it and still have it on my phone. I couldn't ever bring myself to delete it. Here's what she said:

"Hey hon, it's me. Um... are you with Gibson? I thought he was out of town this week but I just saw him... anyway. You should call me. I just... it was just weird, so, anyway. Call me. ... Don't worry, but call me. Bye!"

She died two hours later. I was at a hair appointment. I saw her call but I didn't want to be rude to my stylist so I denied the call and checked my messages after I was done.

I listened to the message - it sounded like she was trying to tell me something difficult. She had seen Gibson? He was in Chicago. So something didn't add up.

But that night, before I had a chance to call Gibson - I got a phone call from Susan's husband. With the terrible news. And for a while I forgot about the message. Or at least put it on the back burner.

Several weeks after her death I asked Gibson about his trip to Chicago. He looked at me like he was a little surprised, asked a few questions, and finally explained he'd gotten back in town earlier in the week than he'd told me. He apologized for lying. He told me he stayed at the hospital that night, because there was paperwork and research to be done there after the trip and with the death of Susan supposedly he didn't bother/want/feel the need to bring up that his trip had been quicker than originally planned.

So?

I just can't figure out where Susan might have seen him. Gibson said it must have been in the car when he was driving back to the hospital. But that's clear across town from where Susan lives.

So that doesn't necessarily point to an affair though, right? It's just that our sex life pretty much died a few weeks before all that. Those signs they tell you to look for, the behavioral changes. Things were just OFF between US.

Suddenly I worried there was was someone else seeing to his needs.

I'm paranoid.

20 Things To Get To Know Me

1. I grew up in Ohio.
2. I have a 10 year old son. I'll call him Brooks.
3. My mom died when I was two. Cancer.
4. I have no hobbies. Any suggestions?
5. I have read every single Danielle Steel book.
6. I'll call my husband Gibson. After a certain celebrity he looks like...
7. I'm allergic to blueberries.
8. My favorite color is white.
9. I live in a beautiful house across the street from Washington Park in Denver.
   
10. I've had three miscarriages since giving birth to my one and only son.
    
11. I was an elementary school teacher until my husband convinced me to quit when I had my son.
12. I sometimes resent Gibson for pressuring me to leave my job.
13. I do volunteer work often to make good use of all the time I have. Since I have no job and my son is in school.
14. I love my son but sometimes I wish I could have a daughter too.
15. I decorate my house with toile and vintage/country decor. My husband hates it.
16. I fell in love with my husband in high school. We started dating the first year in college, after I finally got the guts to talk to him.
17. My favorite tv show is Oprah.
18. I miss Susan so, so much.
19. I'm so jealous of women that have sisters.
20. I think my husband might be having an affair. But I also think I'm just being paranoid.

Why blog?

I've never had a blog before, and I only recently started reading some. I figured I'd try it out and see if it helps.

I used to have a best friend for these things. Susan died six months ago.

She ran to Target with her three year old son. Just to pick up a few things. In the parking lot the space on the driver's side of her car was unoccupied. As she was getting into her car, it was dark. A teenager pulled into the space very quickly, violently is what I heard. Susan was pinned between her car door at the bumper of the teens car. She struck her head, and died.

How the heck does something like that even happen? I don't keep a lot of friends. Susan was pretty much my only real one.

There's a lot I have to say. A lot of have to talk about and have been in a black mood for a good six months. She died right in front of her son.

But I'm not here for pity either.

Just to vent. I guess.

My husband is away, out of town. I miss him. I miss him all the time though, as he's a fairly high profile Denverite.

That's the most I'll say, and I've made my identity fake for this blog. Since my husband runs in a vast social circle here in Denver and I don't want anyone to be able to link this blog to us.

My dad died about ten years ago. Heart attack. My step mom & step brother live in Ohio and we have basically no contact.

I felt like an orphan most of my childhood. I didn't realize I'd still feel like one into my thirties.

Okay! No pity! No pouting!

Just... need to share my life.

With someone.

If there's one person I can bore and abuse, it's the internet. Right?